Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
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The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
concern
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM