Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
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6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.