Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
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pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.