my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
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I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
12653.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”