ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
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All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I’ve been drinking.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.