*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
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I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?