STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
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I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt