CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
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2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?