The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
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*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay