“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
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Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
The first matador
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!