I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
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The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
j o i m p
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence