If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
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Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.