I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
You Might Also Like
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Choose your fighter
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic