I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
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Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂