Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
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I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I saw nothing
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand