My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
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Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I don’t think my car can fly
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
pep talk
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.