Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
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Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.