*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
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If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.