My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
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Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
how high up are we talkin’?
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Great Canadian literature.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
This is why I hate group projects
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.