The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
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[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Pizza is an emotion right?
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created