is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
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(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.