London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
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Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
a fate I wish upon no one
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
accurate