Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
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At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.