“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
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You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
uh oh
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
When someone says you are so lazy
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]