My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
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My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
They’re stuck in your pants?
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
LA today: