Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
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Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear