Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
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Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.