Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
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I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.