Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
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*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Van Gone
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
prepare for carbonated trouble
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up