Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
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Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Software Development ⛵️
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”