What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
You Might Also Like
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master