I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
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My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants