Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
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[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.