Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
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“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included