me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
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we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen