I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
You Might Also Like
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
no regrets
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.