In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
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Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.