6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
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A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Have a lovely day 😊
Oops I deleted….
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.