“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
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My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again