CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
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“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
doing some research
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now