Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
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Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
This is I, Robot all over again
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
oh my god
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]