Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
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ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Cats (2019)
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”