ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
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My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?