The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
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Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids