i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
That lamp looks PISSED.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.