imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
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you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.