[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
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When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
same vibe as tangled headphones
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
My nickname in high school was “who?”
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.