I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
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I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”