I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
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nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried