I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
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Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling